The Secret Lives of Accountants

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Why They’re Not so Boring After All

Accountants are strange creatures, with hunched shoulders and thick glasses; they excel at… erm… Excel and only come out of their cubicles to buy coffee and eat those plain biscuits nobody else wants.

At POP, we’ve gone all David Attenborough on accountants and have followed them at a safe distance to discover what their deal is when they’re not accounting…ing. Here’s what we learnt.

Many Accountants Interact with Real Humans

In the interest of science, we shot several accountants with tracking darts and used GPS to track their movements. While, as expected, most headed back to their practical three bedroom homes and ate the exact requirement of protein and carbohydrates to sustain the human body before getting in the mandatory eight hours sleep, a few chose to interact with real humans.

As shocking as it sounds, we saw a number of accountants go into locations usually reserved for human socialisation. Bars, restaurants and even one nightclub were visited by accountants. Although we do suspect that the guy who entered the nightclub was probably trying to get into the organic food market next door.

Accountants Can Have a Good Time

You know, relatively speaking. We were particularly fascinated by an accountant called Trent, who, having taken part in Friday night drinks at his office, joined the rest of the team at a local watering hole. There, following three beers and something called an “eggermeister” (Google it), Trent removed his pocket protector, undid his top button and asked Jenny from sales if she wanted to dance. She didn’t, but “Party Trent” didn’t let that stand in his way and he was still dancing alone, long after his colleagues had left.

Accountants Can Punch

More of an interesting aside than anything else, but when attempting to shoot a tracking data into a senior financial accountant called Angela, one of our team was punched so hard that his head literally came off. Okay, that’s not entirely true but she did have a pretty awesome left hook. Follow-up: not all accountants like being shot with darts.

Accountants Sometimes Do Cool Things

While tracking a management accountant called Derek, we found ourselves at the airport. Assuming he was picking up his Nanna or something, we went and got a coffee only to find out that Derek had boarded a flight to Mexico where he went on a seven-day bender with Johnny Depp, culminating in a meeting with one of the heads of the drug cartels. Derek was forced to fight for his own life in what will become known as the ‘War of Cholula,’ before single-handedly ending the drug trade in South America and saving the world.

So yeah, we lost Derek at the airport.

So as it ends up, not all accountants are boring. In fact, with the exception of Derek who we assume is still at the airport, most seem to lead quite interesting lives. We, on the other hand, will face federal court on charges of stalking, assault with a deadly weapon and damaging Angela’s knuckles.

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