People are weird. Not all the time, but if you put humans in circumstances where they can make responsible and adult decisions based on experience, they inevitably won’t.
Tax season is just such a circumstance.
As tax season starts, we bundle together our receipts, pull on our reading glasses and work our way through the ups and downs of our financial year. After all, we are about to receive a solid refund which will go a long way to paying off credit cards, or contributing towards our savings for a house.
So f%$king adult.
Then, the refund hits our bank account and we morph into 10-year-olds who have just been given 20 bucks by our parents to spend on “whatever you want, because you’ve been so good lately.”
Damn right we have.
The following are some shameful and awesome purchases made using tax refunds. The names of the guilty have been changed, apart from one because we forgot and couldn’t be bothered rewriting it.
“I accidentally bought seven T-shirts that didn’t fit.”
Tony is lazy. Not in a cute, laid-back kind of way – he is an example of what happens when a single-celled organism magically transformed into a human being. After receiving his tax refund, Tony decided to upgrade his wardrobe, and due to excessive sweat and coffee stains (at least he hoped that’s what they were) Tony needed a new white T-shirt.
“I jumped on a website that sells clothes,” said Tony, struggling to stay awake during our interview. “I found the shirt I wanted; it was white with short sleeves and no buttons…you know, a T-shirt. Anyways I added it to my cart and proceeded to check out but I must have accidentally lent on the 7 key or something because a few days later seven T-shirts showed up.”
We asked Tony why he didn’t just return six of the shirts, but he just shrugged.
“I don’t know; I figured that I’d probably need them at some stage.”
“I bought complicated lingerie.”
Megan and her boyfriend have a very active sex life. She likes to tell her friends about it all the time, despite their protests.
“Megan tells me about what she and Alex do in the bedroom all the time,” said her friend Angela, who agreed to comment anonymously. “Honestly it’s a bit weird, and a few of her stories have made me concerned about her personal hygiene.”
So when Megan received her tax refund, she was determined to purchase something that would cement her position as a raging nymphomaniac.
“I had some lingerie custom-made by a manufacturing company based in China,” says Megan. “Alex and I have tried all the off-the-shelf stuff, so it was time to up the ante. We have a lot of sex you see.”
When the lingerie arrived, Megan surprised Alex by putting it on and seductively waiting for him in the bedroom, where she had set up four cameras, a smoke machine and a small model horse for some reason.
“I was surprised,” said Alex. “The session lasted for about three hours. Admittedly most of that time was spent trying to get the lingerie off. I think most of the money had been spent on anti-tampering devices and punishments that are activated when you unclip the wrong thing or press the wrong button.”
According to Megan’s blog, Alex spent two weeks in a burn ward after a “transcendental experience.”
People are weird, and a little bit disgusting. But regardless of what you are spending your tax refund on, make sure that you check the quantity in your cart, and resist the temptation to have high voltage countermeasures put in your underwear.